Hi guys n dolls. Well I think I’ve worked my way up to sharing clusterfucks #2 and #3 respectively. Please fasten your seatbelts, and return your trays to their upright and locked positions. We’ll be running into a bit of turbulence on the next leg of our journey.
The next guy doesn’t even have a description. There is a solid reason for that. It’s one you may be alternately amused and horrified by. About 3 weeks after the ‘near-death by bible’ guy I had gone into a phase of manic cleaning, painting and reorganizing that truly merited high dosages of Seroquel. If you’re unfamiliar with Seroquel let me bring you up to speed. It’s medicinal usage is as an anti-psychotic. ( No, I have not acted out any fantasies that included harming anyone). I just wasn’t sleeping. At all. I was having pulse pounding, anxiety skyrocketing, panic attacks about every 6 minutes. So yeah, not sleeping. After a few days of that kind of exhausted frustration one tries to find productive things to do! So I was stripping rooms, repainting, hanging new blinds, assembling furniture and doing it all AT ONCE. Oh…2 rooms at a time. Drying time for paint gets really boring so I was multitasking. But if there’d been an overhead camera of my round the clock activities I would have most likely resembled a squirrel on meth trying to get ready for winter. “I have a nut! I’ll put it here. What was that sound? Is that a nut over there??? Oh shit, where’d I put the one I had?” And round n round I went.
Now for a couple weeks I’d been texting back and forth with this dude. Cant remember his name. I blame meds for that. But really it was just exchanging random jokes, anecdotes. A friendly distraction. So I had gotten a bit comfortable. One afternoon while I was painting the brand new floor boards, doing laundry, and fielding messages from “the festering bitch” (see last post) I got a text from…whats his name.
He asked if I wanted to grab a coffee, and I explained all the crap I was in the middle of. So, being a stellar new friend, he offered to bring me one since I was obviously working my little petunia off. Sure! Sweet! Nice guy to be so considerate!
Now just so you get the visual here, I was wearing the same clothes I’d been working in the day before. I had oil based paint decorating several different locks of hair. Not a stitch of make up on. Saw dust from cutting the baseboards adhered to me like a batch of wooden fairy dust. The dryer buzzed at me about 40 seconds before my doorbell rang, so I had a hamper full off toasty clothes on my hip and was racing to let in my ‘friend’. The deliverer of much needed caffeine. Ok, it wasn’t really needed cause I hadn’t slept in days, but I like the shit, so shut up. I didn’t want to be rude and leave him standing there. So I throw open the door, puffing paint-hair out of my eyes and this is what I see.
Giant golden coasters dangling 3 inches from my nose. Not one. A whole slew of them, dropped down in a line from a hand hovering against the door frame about 4 inches above my head. Have you ever seen a movie where a character unleashes a fistful of credit cards in the plastic slinky-like holders for a wallet? Like that. Now see…I’m far sighted, so I kind of had to pull back a little cause there was something printed on the golden discs in black, but I couldn’t make it out at close range.
So as I lean away to see what it says I absorb 2 things at one. First, the black print says Trojan. Second beneath the line of ginormous condoms is, unmistakeably, track pants. At full salute. I’m not typically a very girly girl. Not easily startled. In fact I have been known to manhandle a guy if I’m irked enough. But all I could muster was an authentic girl squeak, and slamming and locking the door. I never saw buddies face. It took me a few weeks before I realized the dirty bastard hadn’t even brought a coffee!
The Bums Rush….So this guy was “Chad”. Chad had been shooting off messages to me for awhile. After the last couple of banner experiences I wasn’t overly excited about meeting new friends. However, he persisted. So after over a month of exchanging pleasantries we agreed to text. Another few weeks of schedules never seeming to jibe and I’d sort of back-burnered him.
Now Chad was around 28 or 30. About average height. Worked in some sort of sales position. Brown hair, light eyes, Caucasian. Pretty average kind of dude. One day I was out doing some errands and I got a text. “Hey, what are you doing right now?” So I replied, not much, yada yada…Well it seems he had a free hour or so and was in the basic vicinity. Would I like to grab that coffee? Shrug…sure, why not?
I walked into the Starbucks we’d agreed to meet at, ordered my Venti White Chocolate Mocha (thank you Starbucks. All the rest of your stuff tastes like diesel to me, but that one’s yummy) and took a seat. About 15 minutes later a guy approached my table. “Oh Hey! How are you??”
I was nonplussed trying to figure out how I knew him. Had I served him when I used to waitress? Was he an electrician I delivered to? Then he sat down. A little alarm in my head started beeping at me. You see..the man who’d just sat down was not the person I was supposed to be meeting. He was about 5’7”, chubby, east indian, without an accent, and talking very fast.
I just stared at him. The WTF look must’ve been pretty clear, too, then I started laughing. I went to stand up and said “Alright, this is ridiculous. You’re not who you claimed to be, and sorry, but I’m not up for this”
“Up for what? What do you mean? I’m who I said!”
“Dude….You’ve been lying to me for weeks. And really. You aren’t even the race you said. I’m not looking to date you, but my friends don’t lie to me. I gotta go”
So the little scrotum muncher actually reached out and grabbed the sleeve of my jacket. I looked down at his hand and I was honestly debating whether or not to hit him when he said “Just let me ask you one thing.”
At this point I was outta there anyway. So I figured screw it. “What?”
The following is, word-for-word, I shit you, not, exactly what he came out with.
“So, you’re separated right? So you must just really need it. Just-let-me-hitit-from-behind-I’ll-make-it-good-you-won’t-even-have-to-knowitsme”
Like a fuckkkkin auctioneer.
Ever seen a cougar come un-cunted? That day at Starbucks a lot of people did!